4 Ways to Cope with Anxiety

Anxiety

Let’s be real for second please….you can read all the blogs on anxiety on the internet, but none of them will make a difference unless you first understand what you read and then act upon what you’ve read. I get it, mental health  is finally getting the shine it deserves and you want to be your best self so let me help you.

Briefly, anxiety is excessive stress and worry. In much smaller doses stress and worry is needed. It helps you stay out of dark alleys, prepare so you don't bomb in front of a crowd, but too much of it can keep you stuck. Anxiety typically manifests in three ways- thoughts, behaviors, and physically. 

Thoughts are those times when you are thinking about what you should have done, wished you had done, or even what you want to do, and for some what may come later. It shows in your behaviors when you seek constant validation from others, attempt to over prepare, or flat out avoid the thing in an effort to eliminate any  negative feelings. It occurs physically when your heart races suddenly for no reason, you feel keyed up so you fidget and are unable to be still, experience some muscle tension, or have that feeling in your stomach like you about to get in trouble with your mom.

So how do you deal because life is going to happen? Here are four ways to cope with anxiety:

Deep breathing- cliche I know but it works. Try breathing from your belly. Belly breathing is one of the quickest, most effective ways to calm yourself. It takes minimal effort and you can literally do it anywhere! Here’s how to belly-breathe. 

  • Sit in a comfortable position, and relax your body. You can do this exercise with your eyes open or closed—just go with what you’re most comfortable with. 

  • Try breathing naturally through your nostrils, slowly. 

  • Work to breathe from your belly instead of your chest. Ideally, you should be able to feel your belly expand and contract slowly as you breathe if you place a hand on it.

  • Concentrate on your breathing and notice as your mind calms down and the chaotic thoughts go away.

It may take a while to perfect but I would say try to practice daily so when you really need to do it you can.

Take an attitude of gratitude. So often we are so worried about what we don’t have and what seems to be going wrong. We actually lose sight of what we do have and what is working in our favor. We are concerned about bills and not thankful for shelter. One small thing to help with this is to change your language. Instead of I have to do this try saying I get to do this. Try starting your day with three things you are grateful for. This will help you set the tone for your day. The bonus is when you have a bad day or just seem to wake up anxious  (because it will happen) you have something to look back on and hopefully shift your mood.

Create a meditation practice and start to incorporate mindfulness into your day. Anxiety is typically about the past or the present. It presents as you over thinking what you did or what you want to do so critically you get worked up. Try to be present in the moment you may really like it here! I say start with 2 min a day and then you can go longer as you get better at it.

Use a journal.  Journaling is a great way to reduce the frequency of negative thoughts by getting them out of your mind and onto paper. Not only does this have an instantly calming effect, but this technique can also, over time, reduce these thoughts, and help you replace them with positive ones! I encourage you to adopt a journaling practice that is helpful and not intrusive. You do not want it to be just another thing you have to do because then you will start to dread using it. Journal in a way that is authentic to you. If you like prompts find some, if you want to free write do that. It is your tool, no one is taking it up for a grade!

While these techniques are not all inclusive with a little practice they have been proven to work. I also know sometimes it can be so much more difficult to manage alone. I will ALWAYS say SEEK HELP when you need it. Read more on managing mental health challenges and creating a more fulfilling life for yourself over at our blog.  



5 Ways to Combat Depression

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In the last decade, the rates of depression have drastically accelerated. It is not surprising though. Just consider the dumpster fire that was 2020. A whole pandemic, continued murders of unarmed Black people, riots, masks, quarantine, and the attacks of the Karens. Are we really surprised? Some studies note one in five individuals in America is suffering from depression. 

Despite popular belief depression is a combination of symptoms and not just a person crying in bed all day. Depression is a pervasive condition that often drains out all the energy leaving behind a hopeless individual. Symptoms of depression include but are not limited to anger, irritability, sad mood, lack of interest in things, trouble sleeping, and disturbance in appetite. 

So what do we do about it? Taking the first step towards healing is usually the hardest, and there is no quick fix for one size fits all to avoid depression. However here are 5 things you can do to help combat depression.

1. Stop living in the past.- When you relive what you wish would have been different or live in a place of what you should have done it makes you sad and forces you to be overly critical of your next move. Try to focus on the present. It is usually ok in the present. Regrets only rob your mental peace.

2. Let the future be the future.- When you are overly concerned with the future it causes you stress. Listen, you cannot predict or change the future, have you been paying attention? Remember when the world closed in March 2020 and we thought the pandemic would be over in the summer because the heat would kill the virus? We have no control over the future. Again, focus on the present. It is ok here.

3. Celebrate what you are doing right.- The thing is when we are looking at the world from a lens of sadness and depression we only see faults. There is something you do right DAILY find it and celebrate it. Depression will cloud your judgement, don't let it.

4. Change your diet.- I know super cliche and I struggle with this one myself but research says there is a link with what we eat and how we feel. I suggest more fruits and vegetables. I don't expect you to do a whole overhaul but just add a smoothie and/or a green vegetable a day and see what happens.

5. Move your body.- Exercise releases endorphins, a hormone that helps in relieving stress and anxiety. Getting adequate physical activity, preferably adding it to the morning routine, can bring calmness for the rest of the day.

In my opinion nothing takes the place of seeking professional help but also understand there are barriers to treatment. Remember nothing changes if nothing changes. You have to decide you want to try to heal and feel better. Do not overwhelm yourself with this list. It is not exhaustive, it is just meant to get you started. 



3 Myths About Depression

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Depression is such a complex disorder. There are so many different things that can cause it. Some say it’s just a chemical imbalance and while that may be true there is also genetics, trauma, intergenerational coping (or lack thereof), finance factor, medical concerns, and don’t even get me started on grief. There are a plethora of factors and possible causes. 

I was having a conversation with a friend and we were talking about depression and it hit me, there is a lot of misinformation around about depression. I think a lot of that is because of what gets the most visibility. Don't get me wrong I like that mental health is being talked about. I just wish we could get out of our own way and accept that it may not always look like how we think it will look. 

So I decided to share these three myths about depression with you.

In order to be depressed, you have to be crying. There are people living and laughing and slowing feeling trapped inside. Other signs of depression include body aches, irritability, anger outburst, overworking.

Depression is a sign of weakness. I believe it is the exact opposite. It takes a lot of strength and will power to make it through each day feeling hopeless and trapped. It takes courage to show up in a world you don't even feel like is for you, or that you are a part of. Fighting through the sadness and other symptoms and showing up for others is nothing but strength.

You can outwork depression. For the small blues or occasional down days, this may help. However, for clinical depression this way of coping may only increase the depression. The idea that you can keep working and feel better is counterproductive because more often than not a little rest is needed. Did you know overworking is actually a sign of depression, especially in men?

I want to encourage you all to keep talking about depression just make sure you are informed. For more myths visit my youtube video, or watch below.

It really is ok to Level Up!

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So a comment was made by a celebrity (Ciara this week), and folks are all up in arms. I am not 100% sure what the fuss is about. From what I have read she simply expressed her truth. She noted after she leveled up, started to look to God more, and really love herself the right man came along. This is her experience and who are we to take that from her. Before you all start the eye-rolling keep reading... I think the issue is because she said  “level up” and get the love you deserve. People seem to be super in their feelings because of the words level up. Even one of my friends said she took the comment as if you are single you have no standards. So it got me thinking…

Why are we so consumed with every thought a celebrity has? Sure they are in the light and people look to them and they decided to be in the spotlight but we are all responsible for our own actions. Just because she believes in leveling up you don’t have to.They are human just like the rest of us, and if your homegirl disagreed with you would you drag her like some do celebrities? Just my thoughts…

Let’s talk about leveling up. If I am correct it means to get your shit together in all areas of your life. This will look different for everyone. Some will lose weight, start their business, get a deeper relationship with God, carry crystals with you, start reading more books, whatever it is we all can agree it is an improvement on your life. So don’t you want to level up? Or is complacency the new in thing? When we apply for jobs we never say ok I'm entry level and I am good with this for life. I have arrived. No, we get in to learn the ropes and start looking for a raise, promotion, or the next job.

I read some comments saying she is using her marriage as a tool or weapon and I was again confused. #Howsway All she was saying, or how I interpreted it was once you focus on you, and get clear about what you want you can attract it. After you get so into you and realize what it is you actually want you will be able to waste less time with men who mean you no good. I know for me I wasted time and dated losers because I was dating to be dating at one time in my life. I didn’t really know what I wanted so I ended up not getting much of anything if you catch my drift. We can all agree like attracts like so why not improve yourself. The new and improved you will undoubtedly attract more than a man. You will get the bougie girlfriends you wished you had, the promotion you have been dreaming about, or even attract the client to your business because you have now become an improved version of our self. What is wrong with that?

Let me tell you a story… When I met my husband I was a single mom of one, working as a therapist (my previous dream job). I lived on my own and was doing my thing. Admittedly I was more together on paper than I was internally but I was actively working on it. So I guess at the time I met him I was like mid glow up lol (although I am sure that was not the term those years ago). The point is I was in a good place, and working daily to be better. THAT IS WHAT ATTRACTED THE MAN TO ME. For us, regular degular folks life ain't always peaches and cream. So what married minded man wants to marry a girl he has t fix up or who is bringing nothing to the table, not even a plate? Because if the shoe was on the other foot while women are more likely to go for the fixer-upper we are not setting out looking for him. We want a man with his ish together. We want the security that comes with a stable man.

I got off topic...Prior to my self-proclaimed glow up I was attracting broken men, with no jobs, mommy issues, emotional abusers, egos bigger than the Beyonce song, and all other foolery. I was attracting them because I was broken. I was vibrating so low that is what I picked up.  Did I need to level up? Hell yes! Is that the sole reason I got married? Nope, but it damn sure helped. I was happy and whole when I got married. I was not looking for anyone to love me because I loved and still love me. In fact, I was happy to just be me with my child. I had spent so much time dating idiots I decided to date me, and the moment I became ok with me things changed. I walked away from my job (I went back, but with a raise lol making just under what a LCSW makes without a license and in case you are not a counselor and not familiar with non-profits that's a big damn deal!). Nope, life has not been perfect but it has steadily been getting better. I have setbacks but I come out ahead because I glowed up.

So no this is not me using my life as a weapon or shaming tool. This is me telling you if I can do it, the girl who was pregnant at 19 by the way ole boy the sperm donor straight walked away you can too!!!!! I have been through so much and we all have a story to tell but unless you level up in some way your story is going to stay the same and we both know you don’t want that. Leveling up is not all about a man because some of my smartest most successful girlfriends don’t even see marriage as an accomplishment. However to live a life you love whether working a 9-5, being a housewife, having a side hustle, walking the red carpet, whatever it is will require you to level up. How will you level up today?

4 Ways to Make 2018 Great

New Year

As soon as the kids took off their Halloween costumes it felt like they were pulling out the Christmas tree lights, and here we are in 2018. Is it me or is time flying by?

Anyway, this is the time of year where everyone is reflecting. What went well, what went wrong? Some people will be shouting "new year new me" and while I am not a fan, I am a recovering member of the club. I am not quite sure why I thought I had to wait until the new year to change. Change is a series decisions you make and they are not bound by time or date.

However, I understand the concept. The new year brings about a refreshing sense of newness and it seems like the right time to lose weight or cut people off when really the right time was the moment you made the decision to be a better you. I get though we are all looking to win in some form or fashion. Whether it be finding that great love, buying our dream home,  booking a speaking gig, or landing a high paying client. Whatever it is we all want to be great. So this year, if you start losing focus on the resolutions here, are some habits to adapt to make sure this is your year.

  1. Be intentional. Whatever your goals are get aligned and make them happen. Once you are sure about what you want  to accomplish make sure you are constantly doing what you need to do to make it happen on purpose.
  2. Change your mindset. You can have everything you want if you think you can. Stop allowing our past, what you did last year, or the limiting beliefs you have to stop you. Trust me we all have had these beliefs and a lot of times they are inherited. How you were raised helps to shape what you think is possible but that is a lesson for a different day.
  3.  Stop setting goals without setting time to do the work. We all are like Ok I am going to lose weight this year, but what we fail to figure out is when we will meal prep, when we add working out to our already busy schedule, how many calories will we intake. Or better yet my clients say this is the year they will find a man, yet they never leave the house, don't know what they are looking for in a relationship, and sadly some of them are still in love with their ex. Simply setting the goal is not enough. You have to plan for the process.
  4.  Make your to-do list NON NEGOTIABLE.  I get it at the end of the day you are tired and just want to sit on the couch and watch the TV, or maybe you want to read a book. Either way, the to-do list is not a priority after work. You had the best intentions but by the end of the day, your determination fades. But this is where we mess up. This is how we stay stuck and never lose the weight, start the business, finish writing that bestseller or whatever the goal is.  If you are really serious you have to work even when you are tired and don't want to because that is where the real change happens. 

What are you going to do to make this a great year for you?