What About Your Friends... Importance of Adult Friendships and Your Mental Health

What about friends!!!! If you do not know that song we need to rethink our friendship. LOL, I am only kidding. I did use to love that song though.

I was thinking the other day- there is not enough talk about how your friends/ tribe/ community/ or whatever you decide to call them have such a critical role in your mental health. Friends play a significant role in sustaining mental health, which we need to discuss. It is quality over quantity because a toxic friendship can have the reverse effect on your mental health.

A social network has plenty of benefits, provided there are healthy bonds and genuine intentions. Developing strong, healthy connections requires work and, more importantly, time (which we as adults tend to not have a lot of). Nevertheless, the advantages are well worth the work. 

Here are some reasons you should foster healthy ties with people.

A Sense of Belonging

Feeling like you are a part of a group fulfills a crucial emotional need. It is significant for developing resilience in challenging situations and healthy emotional regulation. It gives you a reason to hold on to something or to work through the stress.

Research shows that a sense of belonging can diminish the severity of depressive symptoms and suicide risk. The study also indicates that the perception, not actual inclusion is beneficial. It reduces feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness because you feel like you belong. 

Social Support

Support from friends and loved ones is essential in creating, maintaining, and promoting health. Perceived and actual support help with coping, distress, adaptability, and endurance. Friends listen to you and think about it, often we just like to be heard. It is not that we need a solution just a place to vent and be validated in our concerns. A problem shared is already half-solved. They also acknowledge and validate your emotions, helping with introspection instead of internalization. 

A friend is a source of encouragement - they will speak the truth with grace (hopefully) and help point you in the right direction. They cheer you on when you make strides and hold you through the fears, skepticism, and fights. Knowing you can rely on them makes the burden a little less heavy. 

Accountability

Sometimes we need to be checked! Admit it, you can try just like I do. In those moments when we find ourselves going around the same mountain, we need friends who will call us out. A nice reminder that you still haven’t been to the gym made the appointment, or taken your son to the zoo goes a long way.

Positive friendships steer you toward positive coping mechanisms. A friend will encourage you to talk through your issues instead of bottling them in or avoiding them. They also keep you in check when your thoughts and feelings steer you toward self-destructive behavior. Even when you give in to despair, they are always there to reason out with you and help you challenge your negative thinking pattern. 

Friends Boost Your Self-Esteem 

A good friend is a cheerleader. Hearing an “ok sis… I see you girl” goes a long way. They strengthen your core, make you flaunt your strengths, and work on your weakness in a safe environment. They are not there to judge, scorn, or degrade. They uplift you and take pride in your association - this does wonder for your confidence. 

Friends Make You Happier

Hanging out with a loved one activates a part of the brain known as the reward pathway. The circuit releases feelings of pleasure, happiness, and peace. It also inhibits the stress response, otherwise known as anxiety.  Research shows that seeing a loved one is enough to release these feel-good chemicals in your brain. It also boosts the hormones that mediate over rest and sleep. 

Friendships Help You Thrive Financially

As the person who has been the “send me pictures because I cannot go friend”- I will admit seeing how my friends lived was a nice size motivator to do better. Financial stability is a significant stressor in today's world. It is among the leading causes of abuse in relationships because it leads to codependence. Trustworthy friendships tend to develop plans and strategies to enhance each other's success. Real friends buy your product or at least share it with others. They will edit your book for free so others will want to read it or sit in the front row as you perform even when it cuts into sleep time. In a circle of friends, even the least wealthy is doing better than a loner. Friends share ideas and opportunities. There is also a foundation of encouragement, kindness, and support when people in the fold try new ventures. 

Adult friends become your family. When people move far away it is their friends that celebrate the wins with them. Why do you think Friendsgiving is such a thing? So again I ask you “what about your friends!!!”

The Importance of Protecting Your Peace

“I am protecting my peace.” How many times have you heard or even said this lately? It seems peace is a hot topic (and I agree it should be) but what does it actually mean? For me, peace seems to be one of the things that mean something different for every person. I also think people have a one -dimensional ideal of peace when really peace involves your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. 

As individuals, we at times take the protection of our peace for granted. We tend to leave it until the last minute, not thinking it is essential, but in all honesty, your peace is the key to leading a healthy and goal-fulfilled lifestyle. 

Often, when the necessary steps are not taken to protect one’ s peace, there is a breakdown in self-value, and as a result, personal boundaries are not set, which filters into how you relate to yourself. 

Let’s spend some time discussing peace, how to protect it and why it is important. 

What does it mean to have Inner Peace? 

Having inner peace from a general perspective means assuming a state of calmness regardless of the varying factors that may seek to derail it. Peace is genuine happiness that is bound up in personal and deliberate effort instead of the approval of others.  When you are in a state of peace, you are content. Peace is that milestone that, even in the presence of difficulties, remains constant and always hopeful by finding the light in every situation. 

I think it is important to pause here and ask yourself for your own personal definition of peace. What does it mean to you? For me, it is the moments of stillness to breathe and be. Which with my job and family can be difficult to get to if I am not intentional.

The Importance of Finding and Focusing on Peace in Your Life

When you spend the time to focus on achieving peace in your life, you learn to build a more significant relationship with yourself and how you respond to things in your life. Some other great benefits of prioritizing peace in your life include: 

• Reduced stress levels

• The ability to become more compassionate

• Your response to negativity is different

• Improved quality of sleep

• Learn how to manage your emotions

Finding your Peace

But how do you get there? How are you able to decide what is your peace or how to even find it? Try some of the activities on the list below.

• Journaling

• Meditation

• Nature walks

• Deep Breathing

• Scheduling breaks

• Learning about yourself

• Let go of the past

• Love yourself

• Let go of being judgmental

How to Protect Your Peace 

Protecting your peace is important s that you can stay emotionally regulated and in a place where you feel like your best self. The following is a list of ways to make sure you are able to protect your peace.

• Make time for self-care

• Forgive quickly

• Practice being grateful

• Prioritize alone time

• Worry less

• Learn to accept the things you cant control

• Do what makes you happy

• Avoid uncomfortable situations

• Respect yourself and others

• Learn your triggers

• Believe more than you fear

• Harbor only positive thoughts

• Treat yourself kindly

There are so many things that happen in the world and in our lives that are outside of our control. How we take care of ourselves and how we prioritize our peace is well within our control. I encourage you to do something daily that puts you in a place of peace. How do you protect your peace?

4 Ways to Recognize and Combat Toxic Productivity

Recently I was on a bad rollercoaster. It seemed like no matter how early I woke up or how late I  went to bed I was never fully satisfied with the number of things I had done for the day. Spoiler alert I do ALOT. I have a family, friends, and a  business, and I am always trying to create helpful content. There is a lot going on. All the experts say wake up earlier to have that first hour to yourself and I did that. Stay up later and clean (again I have children so cleaning is a constant) and set the tone for the next day, I did that. Even though things were being done I still felt behind and it started to impact my worth on some level. It was literally never enough. The list was always growing. The need to feel productive and accomplished had really gotten out of hand. Then it hit me. I had fallen victim to toxic productivity.

Toxic productivity is the tendency to overdo things in an effort to reach a state of satisfaction that is never really attained. The odd part is it usually looks like the person has it together.  It can be easily mistaken for industriousness or extreme diligence, but it often works against the doer without their consciousness. Because the person is always looking to achieve the next thing and there is literally always the next thing. I also think a lot of us have been conditioned to achieve so it can be hard to recognize toxic productivity.

How to Recognize It

Some of the ways to recognize toxic productivity are through your attitude towards things. If you notice that you are never satisfied with what you have done, even if it meets your day’s to-dos, it could be an indication of toxic productivity. Toxic productivity prioritizes your uncontrolled urge for productivity over your well-being. You just keep on working endlessly without paying attention to your body’s need to rest. While most noticeably in your body your mental health is also impacted because you are never content with whatever you have done. Here are a few other signs to look out for:

Tendency to Work Overtime

You will find yourself developing a culture of working overtime even when it is not necessary or mandated. The things you have been able to accomplish in a day do not feel enough and you constantly want to do more than the average tasks to feel like you have done something significant.

Feelings of guilt when things are left undone

Your response to undone tasks is rather extreme compared to how the average person would react. There is a constant fear of appearing incompetent when a task is undone even when you are ahead of the original schedule. Guilt for the undone tasks is what leads to working overtime. 

Ignoring Self-care

It is common to ignore the cues to take care of your body. You may be feeling very tired but your desire to do all the things makes you ignore the physical cues of being tired and needing rest. 

Anxiety or Depression

Oftentimes, it is difficult to realize how much stress and pressure you are putting on yourself through toxic productivity. While most people are stressed by the expectations placed on them by others to perform, you are your own cause of stress. You rarely appreciate your achievements and instead, focus on what you have not done. The pessimistic approach to life may result in constant anxiety or depression. 

Eventual Fatigue and Burnout

As much as you are feeling overly ambitious most of the time, it gets to a point where the body gives in and you are too tired to continue with the habit. 

How to Combat It

So knowing all of this great but what do you do to combat it? I took a vacation. I understand from a financial place and just the obligations of life this is not always possible. However, if you can I really encourage you to take an extended break from things. The weekend just is not enough. Try a few of the following.

Recognize Your Self Worth is not Just in Your Work

I added this one first because it will more than likely be the hardest. It is going to require you to rewire your brain. You have to remember that you are more than your work. Wo you are is not where you go to work every day. Spend time doing things that are not related to work, or even money. You do not have to monetize every hobby you have.

Add Breaks

As you consider cutting down on this habit, a good place to start is to add frequent breaks so you aren’t overexerting yourself for long periods. Literally, block your calendar and take breaks, get a sip of water, and walk away from the screen (or other workplaces as you can).

Celebrate the small wins

As difficult as it may seem for you, set reasonable goals to attain so you train your mind to appreciate the little milestones you achieve. Everything you do is an accomplishment. Some are bigger than others but it is a win no matter what. Learn to celebrate the small wins along the way so you are reminded of what you have accomplished. 

Set Boundaries

Resist the urge to touch on the next day’s goals even if you are idle for the remainder of your day. Go do something else. 

Find Time Off

Finally, take time off your usual routines and do relaxing things like going on a vacation every now and then. 

One bonus I can add to this is to create a short and recent brag list. Write 3-5 of the most recent accomplishments on a post-it note and leave it near your mirror, workstation, dresser, or wherever you will see it often as a reminder that you are doing more and better than you are giving yourself credit for. It is also important to remember every day your level best is different so do not compare what you accomplished yesterday to today because your capacity may be different.

Journaling for Mental Health

You know what I find so wild… journaling is so powerful and helpful and when most people think about it all they see is the dramatics of an adolescent girl. We have all seen shows where the girl is doodling in her notebook or writing about her latest crush. We had no idea how healing writing could be. The reality is journaling provides a safe and creative outlet that gives relief to our minds, while also gaining insights into who we are at our core. Depending on your belief system you could even write your way into the life you want.

Journaling is jotting down any and everything that our minds can conjure. Allowing our thoughts and emotions to attain tangibility is an excellent curator for our mental wellbeing. Journaling helps polish our perspective as well the ability to process events, much like we’re able to when sharing with a friend.

Journaling and mental health:

Most professionals and thought leaders will tell you a journaling routine is an incredibly beneficial activity for mental health. It might seem surprising that the simple act of writing down what we see, sense, and feel could heal the mind. Research provides plenty of evidence on how journaling is a viable way to help manage symptoms of mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, and even stress.

Here are a few ways journaling can help improve mental health:

It cultivates self-awareness: Take a few steps back to the claim that journaling is like conversing with a friend. Now imagine if you were able to accurately look back on these conversations, word to word; wouldn’t that help hold up an objective lens to yourself? 

It encourages emotional regulation: If you journal, you'll eventually find that you're a lot more in sync with your emotions as well as your ability to process events. You will be well past the tendency of avoiding emotions that don’t feel as pretty or denying how you feel about certain circumstances. 

It fosters the ability to seek help: Have you ever realized how hard it is for us to open up, admit we’re vulnerable, and ask for help? Journaling allows us to be honest with ourselves, and when we’re able to do that, being honest about our needs with others comes a little easier.

How to start journaling:

I bet you were thinking there would be some secret sauce here but there is not. Just start. Sure nice notebooks and fancy pens are great but really you need pen and paper, or even the notes app on your phone. It does not have to be extravagant you just have to start. 

Opt for consistency: Journaling does not demand that you offer a certain length of words and pages, but it certainly asks for consistency. Try to journal every day, and little by little, you’ll pick up the pace as it becomes a routine. Even if you just do one line a day the point is to do it daily.

Don’t over-complicate it: Before anything else, remember that you’re only journaling for yourself and no one else. As you write, use the words and ways that feel most natural and expressive to you; there’s no need to complicate the process by trying to integrate hard words and structures. There is no grade or prize for the most eloquent journal. This is for you.

Journal however you see fit: There's no declaration of rules that dictate how journaling has to be carried out. You can write, draw, doodle, or even scribble in your journal as long as you feel that it's the perfect manifestation of whatever you want to put across. Your journal is your canvas. You can do a gratitude list,  a one-line sentence of how the day went, or just write feeling words you experienced throughout the day.

5 Ways to Combat Depression

In the last decade, the rates of depression have drastically accelerated. It is not surprising though. Just consider the dumpster fire that was 2020. A whole pandemic, continued murders of unarmed Black people, riots, masks, quarantine, and the attacks of the Karens. Are we really surprised? Some studies note one in five individuals in America is suffering from depression. 

Despite popular belief depression is a combination of symptoms and not just a person crying in bed all day. Depression is a pervasive condition that often drains out all the energy leaving behind a hopeless individual. Symptoms of depression include but are not limited to anger, irritability, sad mood, lack of interest in things, trouble sleeping, and disturbance in appetite. 

So what do we do about it? Taking the first step towards healing is usually the hardest, and there is no quick fix for one size fits all to avoid depression. However here are 5 things you can do to help combat depression.

1. Stop living in the past.- When you relive what you wish would have been different or live in a place of what you should have done it makes you sad and forces you to be overly critical of your next move. Try to focus on the present. It is usually ok in the present. Regrets only rob your mental peace.

2. Let the future be the future.- When you are overly concerned with the future it causes you stress. Listen, you cannot predict or change the future, have you been paying attention? Remember when the world closed in March 2020 and we thought the pandemic would be over in the summer because the heat would kill the virus? We have no control over the future. Again, focus on the present. It is ok here.

3. Celebrate what you are doing right.- The thing is when we are looking at the world from a lens of sadness and depression we only see faults. There is something you do right DAILY find it and celebrate it. Depression will cloud your judgement, don't let it.

4. Change your diet.- I know super cliche and I struggle with this one myself but research says there is a link with what we eat and how we feel. I suggest more fruits and vegetables. I don't expect you to do a whole overhaul but just add a smoothie and/or a green vegetable a day and see what happens.

5. Move your body.- Exercise releases endorphins, a hormone that helps in relieving stress and anxiety. Getting adequate physical activity, preferably adding it to the morning routine, can bring calmness for the rest of the day.

In my opinion nothing takes the place of seeking professional help but also understand there are barriers to treatment. Remember nothing changes if nothing changes. You have to decide you want to try to heal and feel better. Do not overwhelm yourself with this list. It is not exhaustive, it is just meant to get you started.