Embracing Uncomfortable Conversations: A Guide to Overcoming Conflict Avoidance

We will not always agree all of the time which can lead to conflict. Before we get too far ahead of ourselves let’s define conflict. According to Google conflict “is a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one.” I would also add that conflict is not always combative and does not have to be seen as such a negative. Conflict is a natural part of life. It arises when people have different perspectives, opinions, and desires. Avoiding conflict may seem like an easy way out, but it can lead to larger problems in the long run. If conflicts are not addressed, they can fester and eventually explode, causing significant harm to relationships and organizations.

After spending years avoiding conflict it may seem hard to stop now. I want you to think about how much better your relationships, and partnerships could be if you had the hard conversation. I know it seems easier to let it ride but letting it ride only dishonors you. Besides people will not change if they do not recognize there is an issue. So how do we stop avoiding conflict?

Acknowledge the issue

Ignoring the issue will only make it worse. Say or write whatever it is that upset you. You cannot address what you will not acknowledge. For your own sake and before you have the conversation with the other party recognize your feelings and emotions, and try to understand the other person's perspective.

Communicate effectively

Effective communication is crucial in resolving conflicts. Speak clearly and respectfully, and listen to the other person's point of view. Avoid interrupting or dismissing their opinion. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements, to help prevent the conversation from becoming confrontational. For example, instead of saying, "You're wrong," say "I disagree, and here's why."

Find common ground

Identify areas of agreement and build on those. This can help to establish a foundation of trust and understanding. Focus on the shared goals or objectives, and work together to find a mutually beneficial solution.

Seek mediation

If the conflict seems too difficult to resolve on your own, seek the help of a mediator. Mediation is a process where a neutral third party helps facilitate the conversation and find a solution that both parties can agree on. This can be particularly useful in situations where emotions are running high, and communication has broken down.

Learn to compromise

Compromise is an essential part of conflict resolution. It involves finding a solution that meets the needs of both parties to some extent. It may require some give and take, but the result is a win-win situation for everyone involved.

Practice conflict resolution skills

Conflict resolution skills can be learned and practiced. Attend workshops or seminars on conflict resolution, read books on the subject, or take an online course. The more you practice, the more comfortable you will be with handling conflicts.

I understand how just ignoring the issue feels like the easier option but over time this erodes trust and builds resentment which ultimately rots away at the relationship as a whole. I always tell my clients not to trade short-term comfort for long-term discomfort. You will wake up one day so angry and not even understand why. That anger is not healthy for you or the person you are in a relationship with but will be the result of avoiding conflict.

Anxiety Unraveled: Tools for Taming the Mind

In the fast-paced world we live in, anxiety has become an all too familiar companion for many, myself included if I am being honest. The constant demands of life, coupled with uncertainties, can take a toll on our mental well-being. However, anxiety can be managed with the right tools. In this blog post, we will explore effective strategies for unraveling anxiety and reclaiming control over the mind.

Understanding Anxiety:

Before delving into the tools for managing anxiety, it's crucial to understand what anxiety is and how it manifests. Anxiety is a natural stress response, but when it becomes chronic and crippling, it can interfere with daily life. Common symptoms include excessive worry, restlessness, fatigue, and difficulty concentrating.

Now let me tell you how it shows up in real life…

Anxiety typically shows up in three main areas of your life that includes your thoughts, your body, and your behaviors. Anxiety in your thoughts looks like doubt, over-thinking, second-guessing, questioning, thinking about all the what-ifs, and self-doubt. Anxiety in behaviors includes double checking, planning conversations, and replies, seeking outside validation for every life decision, and re-doing things. Finally, your physical body is impacted by anxiety because your internal resources are being used. Your adrenaline is pumping as your body is in fight or flight mode and there is no release (because with true anxiety there is usually no real threat). This leaves you feeling fatigued, having headaches, appetite disturbance, and the overall feeling of restlessness. Recognizing these signs is the first step toward addressing anxiety.

Tools for Taming the Mind:

1. Mindfulness Meditation: This practice involves bringing attention to the present moment without judgment. By focusing on the breath or a specific point of concentration, individuals can train their minds to stay grounded. Regular mindfulness meditation has been shown to reduce anxiety levels and promote a sense of calm.

2. Deep Breathing Exercises: Deep breathing exercises, also known as diaphragmatic breathing, can help regulate the autonomic nervous system and induce relaxation. Practice deep, slow breaths, inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth. This simple yet effective technique can be done anywhere, providing instant relief during moments of heightened anxiety.

3. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT is a therapeutic approach that focuses on changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. By identifying and challenging irrational thoughts, individuals can reframe their perspectives and reduce anxiety. Learning to recognize and modify thought patterns is a valuable skill that empowers individuals to take control of their mental well-being.

4. Gratitude Journaling: Cultivating a mindset of gratitude can be a potent antidote to anxiety. Keeping a gratitude journal allows individuals to reflect on positive aspects of their lives, shifting the focus away from stressors. Regularly writing down things one is thankful for promotes a positive outlook and helps create a buffer against anxiety.

5. Regular Exercise: Physical activity has numerous benefits for mental health, including anxiety reduction. Exercise releases endorphins, the body's natural mood lifters, and provides an outlet for built-up tension. Whether it's a brisk walk, a workout at the gym, or yoga, incorporating regular exercise into one's routine can significantly contribute to taming anxiety.

6. Lifestyle Modifications: Certain lifestyle factors can exacerbate anxiety. Adequate sleep, a balanced diet, and limiting caffeine and alcohol intake are crucial for maintaining mental well-being. Ensuring a healthy lifestyle sets a foundation for managing anxiety effectively.

7. Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR): PMR is a relaxation technique that involves tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups. This practice helps release physical tension, promoting a sense of calmness. By systematically working through the body, individuals can become more attuned to physical sensations and learn to release tension at will.

8. Connect with Nature: Spending time in nature has a therapeutic effect on the mind. Whether walking in the park, hiking in the mountains, or simply sitting in a garden, connecting with nature can reduce stress and anxiety. The natural world's sights, sounds, and smells have a grounding and calming influence.

Anxiety may be a prevalent aspect of modern life, but it doesn't have to be a constant companion. By incorporating these tools into daily life, individuals can begin the journey of unraveling anxiety and reclaiming control over their minds. From mindfulness meditation to lifestyle modifications, each tool offers a unique approach to managing anxiety. Remember, the key is consistency. Building these tools into daily routines can lead to lasting changes in how the mind responds to stressors. Seek professional guidance if needed, and embark on the path to a calmer, more resilient mind.

Understanding and Coping with Friendship Breakups

Whenever I start to write or think about friendship I always think about the song “What about your friends” by TLC. It is like the unofficial theme song of friendship in my mind. That has nothing to do with this blog post just a fun fact about me.

So when we say we are friends with someone what does that really mean? Friendship can be defined as a close and enduring relationship between two or more individuals characterized by mutual trust, affection, and support. It is much more than just someone you know. When you call someone a friend there is usually a deeper connection where there are shared interests, experiences, triumphs, and even some losses (that I will always call lessons). Friends offer emotional support, companionship, and a sense of belonging, making friendship an integral and fulfilling part of human social interactions. Unfortunately, just like romantic relationships, friendships can also come to an end.

I see so many blogs about breakups on a romantic level but the biggest breakup we are not talking about is the end of a friendship. Friendship breakups are emotionally challenging, and more often than not leave us feeling confused, hurt, and alone. Most of the time we are more connected to our friends than our lovers. They know more of who we are, have spent more time with us, and have seen us at our worse. To lose that person can be devastating- even if it is the best decision for both people.

So why do friendships end? I know we want to think if the relationship is so deep it wouldn’t end but the truth is people change so the very nature of the friendship has to change. Often times when we are not prepared to navigate those changes there is a rift and the relationship is weakened.

Time and life change us no matter what. We say things like this friendship is forever but really that is just not true. As we evolve our needs and the dynamic the relation simply has to change. Think about your high school best friend even if you still have them in your mid 30’s the relationship has changed as you age and other things take priority over this relationship. It's important to acknowledge that as we grow, our values, interests, and goals may shift from those of our friends. As we go through different life stages, we may find ourselves drifting away from friends who were once central to our lives. Diverse experiences and new responsibilities can create distance between individuals, leading to a gradual weakening of the relationship.

Another thing that weakens or breaks friendships is when there is an issue with expectations. Often when we become friends it is because of mutual interest and there’s no real conversation about expectations. Friendships thrive when there is mutual understanding and shared expectations. However, when one friend's expectations are not met or there is a lack of reciprocation in terms of time, effort, money shared, or whatever there is usually conflict and a breakup. We talk so much about premarital counseling and making sure our romantic relationships stay intact but what about friendships? I remember when Joan and Toni went to counseling on the show Girlfriends- it was so wild to me then but now I am not opposed.

Finally, when a person feels betrayed or like the loyalty of the relationship has been tested or broken the friendship may end. The thing here is betrayal may not always be obvious. The betrayal may look like the mishandling of information. Sharing something that was told between the two of you to others. It could be as simple as uninviting someone to a special occasion. Sure this seems small and as if a conversation will fix it but it is not always that easy. People attach meanings to events and when they are no longer welcome it may feel like they are no longer welcome in your life. Leading to feelings of betrayal, feelings that a simple I am sorry can never take away. It could be failing to keep your word even when you had the best intentions. Those seemingly small things will impact people differently because of their lived experiences.

With all that being said how do we move on? What comes next?

Start by allowing yourself to grieve. Feel all your feelings because they are yours and they are valid simply because you experienced them. Whatever this looks like for you let it all out, tears, journaling, whatever you need, Make sure to surround yourself with things that make you happy and people you love. Like a break up though do not share too much information until you have processed it on your own.

Reflect on the relationship and the dynamics that lead to the ending of the relationship. This introspection can help you gain insights into your own needs and values, enabling personal growth and learning from the experience. It will also give you time to consider the totality of the relationship. Is this one thing the end or was this a mistake? Is the friendship bigger than the rift that has now been introduced? You get to decide and chose what is best for you. This break in the relationship may be what is needed to discuss expectations and boundaries on how to move forward.

Focus on self-care at this time. Do not let others make you feel as if you should not feel just because it was a platonic relationship. Nurture other existing relationships and explore new avenues to meet like-minded individuals who share your interests. Engage in activities, join clubs or communities, and attend events where you can meet new people who share your interests and values. Remember, new friendships can bring fresh perspectives and enrich your life.

Lastly, seek Closure (if needed): Depending on the circumstances, seeking closure through open and honest communication might be beneficial. There is an opportunity for greater understanding and growth in those conversations. They may have a perspective you did not see before, or maybe the ending of the friendship triggered something for them that you did not even know about. Closure does not always have to mean the end. It may mean the end of the relationship as it was but the start of a new relationship where the placing of people is made clear, and everyone is on the same page regarding boundaries and limits. Once there has been a break much like a break in your arm it can be repaired but it will always be different. Obviously, if the breakup was particularly painful or toxic, it may be best to maintain distance and prioritize your emotional healing over any closure.

Friendship breakups are challenging experiences, but they are also opportunities for self-discovery. It is possible that it was you and there is room for growth. It is also possible it was them and there is room for boundaries either way there is an opportunity in an awful situation. As we evolve and change, it is natural for friendships to evolve as well. By understanding the reasons behind friendship breakups and employing strategies for coping and being kind to ourselves, we can navigate this emotional terrain with resilience and emerge stronger. Remember, it's not the end of the world—it's an opportunity for new beginnings.

What About Your Friends... Importance of Adult Friendships and Your Mental Health

What about friends!!!! If you do not know that song we need to rethink our friendship. LOL, I am only kidding. I did use to love that song though.

I was thinking the other day- there is not enough talk about how your friends/ tribe/ community/ or whatever you decide to call them have such a critical role in your mental health. Friends play a significant role in sustaining mental health, which we need to discuss. It is quality over quantity because a toxic friendship can have the reverse effect on your mental health.

A social network has plenty of benefits, provided there are healthy bonds and genuine intentions. Developing strong, healthy connections requires work and, more importantly, time (which we as adults tend to not have a lot of). Nevertheless, the advantages are well worth the work. 

Here are some reasons you should foster healthy ties with people.

A Sense of Belonging

Feeling like you are a part of a group fulfills a crucial emotional need. It is significant for developing resilience in challenging situations and healthy emotional regulation. It gives you a reason to hold on to something or to work through the stress.

Research shows that a sense of belonging can diminish the severity of depressive symptoms and suicide risk. The study also indicates that the perception, not actual inclusion is beneficial. It reduces feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness because you feel like you belong. 

Social Support

Support from friends and loved ones is essential in creating, maintaining, and promoting health. Perceived and actual support help with coping, distress, adaptability, and endurance. Friends listen to you and think about it, often we just like to be heard. It is not that we need a solution just a place to vent and be validated in our concerns. A problem shared is already half-solved. They also acknowledge and validate your emotions, helping with introspection instead of internalization. 

A friend is a source of encouragement - they will speak the truth with grace (hopefully) and help point you in the right direction. They cheer you on when you make strides and hold you through the fears, skepticism, and fights. Knowing you can rely on them makes the burden a little less heavy. 

Accountability

Sometimes we need to be checked! Admit it, you can try just like I do. In those moments when we find ourselves going around the same mountain, we need friends who will call us out. A nice reminder that you still haven’t been to the gym made the appointment, or taken your son to the zoo goes a long way.

Positive friendships steer you toward positive coping mechanisms. A friend will encourage you to talk through your issues instead of bottling them in or avoiding them. They also keep you in check when your thoughts and feelings steer you toward self-destructive behavior. Even when you give in to despair, they are always there to reason out with you and help you challenge your negative thinking pattern. 

Friends Boost Your Self-Esteem 

A good friend is a cheerleader. Hearing an “ok sis… I see you girl” goes a long way. They strengthen your core, make you flaunt your strengths, and work on your weakness in a safe environment. They are not there to judge, scorn, or degrade. They uplift you and take pride in your association - this does wonder for your confidence. 

Friends Make You Happier

Hanging out with a loved one activates a part of the brain known as the reward pathway. The circuit releases feelings of pleasure, happiness, and peace. It also inhibits the stress response, otherwise known as anxiety.  Research shows that seeing a loved one is enough to release these feel-good chemicals in your brain. It also boosts the hormones that mediate over rest and sleep. 

Friendships Help You Thrive Financially

As the person who has been the “send me pictures because I cannot go friend”- I will admit seeing how my friends lived was a nice size motivator to do better. Financial stability is a significant stressor in today's world. It is among the leading causes of abuse in relationships because it leads to codependence. Trustworthy friendships tend to develop plans and strategies to enhance each other's success. Real friends buy your product or at least share it with others. They will edit your book for free so others will want to read it or sit in the front row as you perform even when it cuts into sleep time. In a circle of friends, even the least wealthy is doing better than a loner. Friends share ideas and opportunities. There is also a foundation of encouragement, kindness, and support when people in the fold try new ventures. 

Adult friends become your family. When people move far away it is their friends that celebrate the wins with them. Why do you think Friendsgiving is such a thing? So again I ask you “what about your friends!!!”

Journaling for Mental Health

You know what I find so wild… journaling is so powerful and helpful and when most people think about it all they see is the dramatics of an adolescent girl. We have all seen shows where the girl is doodling in her notebook or writing about her latest crush. We had no idea how healing writing could be. The reality is journaling provides a safe and creative outlet that gives relief to our minds, while also gaining insights into who we are at our core. Depending on your belief system you could even write your way into the life you want.

Journaling is jotting down any and everything that our minds can conjure. Allowing our thoughts and emotions to attain tangibility is an excellent curator for our mental wellbeing. Journaling helps polish our perspective as well the ability to process events, much like we’re able to when sharing with a friend.

Journaling and mental health:

Most professionals and thought leaders will tell you a journaling routine is an incredibly beneficial activity for mental health. It might seem surprising that the simple act of writing down what we see, sense, and feel could heal the mind. Research provides plenty of evidence on how journaling is a viable way to help manage symptoms of mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, and even stress.

Here are a few ways journaling can help improve mental health:

It cultivates self-awareness: Take a few steps back to the claim that journaling is like conversing with a friend. Now imagine if you were able to accurately look back on these conversations, word to word; wouldn’t that help hold up an objective lens to yourself? 

It encourages emotional regulation: If you journal, you'll eventually find that you're a lot more in sync with your emotions as well as your ability to process events. You will be well past the tendency of avoiding emotions that don’t feel as pretty or denying how you feel about certain circumstances. 

It fosters the ability to seek help: Have you ever realized how hard it is for us to open up, admit we’re vulnerable, and ask for help? Journaling allows us to be honest with ourselves, and when we’re able to do that, being honest about our needs with others comes a little easier.

How to start journaling:

I bet you were thinking there would be some secret sauce here but there is not. Just start. Sure nice notebooks and fancy pens are great but really you need pen and paper, or even the notes app on your phone. It does not have to be extravagant you just have to start. 

Opt for consistency: Journaling does not demand that you offer a certain length of words and pages, but it certainly asks for consistency. Try to journal every day, and little by little, you’ll pick up the pace as it becomes a routine. Even if you just do one line a day the point is to do it daily.

Don’t over-complicate it: Before anything else, remember that you’re only journaling for yourself and no one else. As you write, use the words and ways that feel most natural and expressive to you; there’s no need to complicate the process by trying to integrate hard words and structures. There is no grade or prize for the most eloquent journal. This is for you.

Journal however you see fit: There's no declaration of rules that dictate how journaling has to be carried out. You can write, draw, doodle, or even scribble in your journal as long as you feel that it's the perfect manifestation of whatever you want to put across. Your journal is your canvas. You can do a gratitude list,  a one-line sentence of how the day went, or just write feeling words you experienced throughout the day.