5 Keys to Navigate the Dark Side of Boundaries
Boundaries are such a huge word right now and for good reason. The world has been literally on fire and the last thing we need is the people we have allowed in our lives to misuse us or make us feel bad. So what are boundaries? They are limits and rules we put in place for ourselves in relationships. Easy right? Not really.
While we may know exactly how we want to be treated, and what makes us feel safe other people do not. It is up to us to let people know how we want to be treated and what being in relationship with us looks like. In other words, we have to set our own boundaries.
Setting our boundaries isn’t as easy as putting up a fence or a sign, although I really wish it was. It actually requires us to have uncomfortable conversations and oftentimes leads to stress. The thing is boundaries are necessary and I tell my clients mandatory. How can you be your best self with no rules or limits for others? Boundaries are actually freeing because now we are all on the same page.
As with most things, while boundaries are great there is a downside. The people you need to set boundaries with are often not accepting of the boundaries. They do not want to be told no. How the relationship is set up now is benefitting them. They want the relationship (while strained on your end) to continue as it has been. So as you embark on your journey to putting limits in place here are YYYY things to remember while you navigate the dark side of boundaries.
You are responsible for yourself. Teach people how to treat you. What you allow and the dysfunction you find yourself in is a result of you allowing it- This does not include children, or situations of abuse when using your power will literally get you attacked or killed.
Remember why you set the boundary. Often people will try to play on your emotions and get you to give in. The reason why you are saying no does not change. If it was not a problem you would not have considered the boundary.
Consider how every yes you give someone else is a no for you. From a time perspective whenever you do anything for someone that is less time you have for you. Even if it is not that big of an inconvenience. So how many times do you want to say no to you?
Be prepared and make peace relationships changing even if it does not look how you thought it would. In the same way, you are able to set a boundary others get to decide if they will adhere to it or not. This may change the relationship in a way you had not planned for.
Look at it as an opportunity for growth on both ends. You will practice your assertive communication skills, and they will learn to problem-solve or better plan.
People will adapt. I know it may not seem like it but people will find a way to meet their own needs.
Healthy boundaries cannot always be easy to set, but they are crucial. So keep in mind you do not have to be a savior and no is a complete sentence.
5 Ways to Practice Radical Acceptance
I was in a session last week and my client said “I already know you are going to say, I need to practice radical acceptance.” Before I could respond I just had to smile. I smiled because she was right. I love me some radical acceptance. While the basic premise of radical acceptance is “it is what it is” it has allowed me to increase the joy I have in my life and I can’t help but encourage my clients to try it.
So what is radical acceptance? Radical Acceptance is one of the tenets of Dialectal Behavioral Therapy (DBT) created by Psychologist Marsha Lineham. Radical acceptance is accepting the situation as it is for the facts, and removing the emotion. It is a conscious decision to accept things outside of your control without judgment. When done correctly this concept will help you not allow the pain of life to become suffering. Pain is temporary and suffering is longer lasting. The ultimate goal of radical acceptance is progression and growth rather than stagnation and clinging to the past. Heavy disclaimer radical acceptance should not be utilized is in the case of abusive relationships, or dangerous or life-threatening situations.
Recognizing that things are outside of our control can help alleviate a lot of anger, sadness, and other strong emotion. This does not mean you agree with what is happening. It simply means that you are no longer fighting against the reality of what is. Some people struggle to accept situations because they believe that accepting means agreeing with what happened or saying that everything is fine and no that is not true. Blaming yourself or others, or wishing things could be different, will keep you trapped in a bad situation. Some people are unwilling to accept the pain that comes with acceptance. But remember pain is temporary.
The facts of a situation rarely change so fighting against it does not serve you. I get it though it is so much easier said than done. Is here are 5 ways to help you practice radical acceptance.
Acknowledge - Acceptance does not condone or agree with the situation, but rather acknowledges its existence. Instead of remaining in denial, once you recognize what's going on, you'll be better able to take action to change the situation. Acceptance frees you by allowing you to see more options.
Examine and Look for an alternative – Look at everything that has occurred up to this point. The current scenario is unavoidable given the preceding chain of events. Some of these events were caused by your actions, while others were not. You had a role to play even if you weren't in command. Now how can you see the situation differently? Is there a silver lining? Is there a lesson to be learned from this occurrence?
Stop Judging yourself - Negative self- and other-judgment is a significant drain on our ability to be focused and present. Stop criticizing and condemning yourself for the situation you have found yourself in and work to be and do better. The energy it takes to be negative could be used to change or improve the situation. Judgment really just results in more emotional turmoil.
Consider - Life is still worth living even when there is pain. Pain is not always bad, sometimes it is needed for our growth. Pain causes a change that peace often does not.
Change- Are you stuck or just stuck in the thought cycle? Change the situation that is causing you stress if you can. Remove yourself, leave the relationship or the job or whatever it is. After that you have to accept this is where you are at least for now. Consider what are you willing to do to no longer suffer.
Radical acceptance is not something that can be achieved in a single moment. It is a conscious and continued effort and a willingness to think differently. Accept that there are things you can't change and keep moving forward. Some people have fought this idea for a long time because they want control, even though it isn't always possible. Think about what is troubling you now… think real hard… what in that situation is in your control? Probably not much. That is fine accept what it is and then work on what will be next. You have the ability to do this it will just take some time and intention.
How to Find a Therapist
What is stopping you from getting a therapist? Getting help from a therapist has been taboo for many generations (especially in the Black community but that is a different post). Some people consider it inappropriate to share your personal issues with a stranger. While others believe they have to be overly depressed, anxious, or hearing voices to seek help. The truth is therapy really can be preventative if you let it. Along with the stigma comes the barriers to finding a therapist. I really believe that mental health care, and dare I say mental health care that is administered properly and effectively is for everyone. So I wanted to remove the barrier of knowing how to seek help.
Follow these steps if you are using insurance.
Check your coverage! Your employer may offer a few free visits using their Employee Assistance Program or EAP. If you do not have EAP then contact your insurance provider and verify that you have mental health coverage. Just because you have medical insurance does not automatically mean you have mental health benefits. Checking to determine your deductible, copay, and even coinsurance beforehand is to your benefit. If you have a deductible that you are not close to meeting you are no longer limited to providers who accept your insurance because you will have to pay out of pocket anyway.
Get referrals from your insurance company. So you now have determined your benefits and you know what your copay is ask for a list of IN-NETWORK providers. Have them narrow the list down by location, gender, race, specialty, and whatever you are looking for.
Look the person up. From the list provided by your insurance company go on a Google search and see if you can find a picture, profile, articles they have written, social media account, blog, whatever. In this day and time, you can find most clinicians online in some capacity. The purpose of this is you want to try and feel the vibe before you even reach out. Somewhere between 75 and 90% of the therapeutic outcomes are based on the therapeutic relationship. You all will not ever be best friends but you have to be able and willing to sit with them for 50minute a week and get real vulnerable.
Finally, let’s make contact. I would say pick your top three and make contact. The reasons for picking at least three are plenty but I will give you a few. Insurance information may be out of date. People stop practicing, or change locations and the directories insurance companies have are often SLOWLY updated. Sometimes clinicians move locations and their new location does not take the insurance even though they appear active in the system. Clinicians are also booked bd full. The world is literally on fire and with the stigma around mental health care decreasing more and more people are seeking help so the person you have your eye on just may be full.
If you are not using insurance and plan to pay out of pocket it will look a little different. A word-of-mouth referral is still good so check your social network. If there is no word-of-mouth referral then head down to Google and find someone. I recommend searching the following sites: Therapy for Black Girls, Psychology Today, Clinicians of Color. Do not be afraid to search social media as well. Look at the hashtags and see who you find. Once you have located your person refer to step three and see what information you can find about them online.
Some things to consider before starting:
Time is of the essence so start now. As I mentioned therapists are at max capacity. So do not wait until you are in crisis to start your search. If you are using insurance there may be some hurdles just stick with it. You will find someone you like who accepts your insurance you just have to be diligent and make the calls, send the emails, stay on top of it. I personally respond to emails much quicker than I do phone calls.
Another thing to consider is how do you want to be seen? Is telehealth only an option for you? While initially, it can sound off-putting in this COVID world it is an option worth considering. I personally have seen my clients make great strides online. It is super convenient and there is no traffic lol. If you only want in person then be sure to specify that when you are reaching out.
Finally, ask yourself are you ready to do the work? It can take a while to find someone who is a good fit. But the same way you keep dating you have to be ready to keep looking for a therapist who is giving you what you need, holding you accountable, and helping you grow. It will not always be easy and you may not always leave floating on a cloud of insight but it is always worth it.
Drop down in the comments and tell me how you found your therapist! Let’s talk about how the process was for you.
4 Ways to Cope with Anxiety
Let’s be real for second please….you can read all the blogs on anxiety on the internet, but none of them will make a difference unless you first understand what you read and then act upon what you’ve read. I get it, mental health is finally getting the shine it deserves and you want to be your best self so let me help you.
Briefly, anxiety is excessive stress and worry. In much smaller doses stress and worry is needed. It helps you stay out of dark alleys, prepare so you don't bomb in front of a crowd, but too much of it can keep you stuck. Anxiety typically manifests in three ways- thoughts, behaviors, and physically.
Thoughts are those times when you are thinking about what you should have done, wished you had done, or even what you want to do, and for some what may come later. It shows in your behaviors when you seek constant validation from others, attempt to over prepare, or flat out avoid the thing in an effort to eliminate any negative feelings. It occurs physically when your heart races suddenly for no reason, you feel keyed up so you fidget and are unable to be still, experience some muscle tension, or have that feeling in your stomach like you about to get in trouble with your mom.
So how do you deal because life is going to happen? Here are four ways to cope with anxiety:
Deep breathing- cliche I know but it works. Try breathing from your belly. Belly breathing is one of the quickest, most effective ways to calm yourself. It takes minimal effort and you can literally do it anywhere! Here’s how to belly-breathe.
Sit in a comfortable position, and relax your body. You can do this exercise with your eyes open or closed—just go with what you’re most comfortable with.
Try breathing naturally through your nostrils, slowly.
Work to breathe from your belly instead of your chest. Ideally, you should be able to feel your belly expand and contract slowly as you breathe if you place a hand on it.
Concentrate on your breathing and notice as your mind calms down and the chaotic thoughts go away.
It may take a while to perfect but I would say try to practice daily so when you really need to do it you can.
Take an attitude of gratitude. So often we are so worried about what we don’t have and what seems to be going wrong. We actually lose sight of what we do have and what is working in our favor. We are concerned about bills and not thankful for shelter. One small thing to help with this is to change your language. Instead of I have to do this try saying I get to do this. Try starting your day with three things you are grateful for. This will help you set the tone for your day. The bonus is when you have a bad day or just seem to wake up anxious (because it will happen) you have something to look back on and hopefully shift your mood.
Create a meditation practice and start to incorporate mindfulness into your day. Anxiety is typically about the past or the present. It presents as you over thinking what you did or what you want to do so critically you get worked up. Try to be present in the moment you may really like it here! I say start with 2 min a day and then you can go longer as you get better at it.
Use a journal. Journaling is a great way to reduce the frequency of negative thoughts by getting them out of your mind and onto paper. Not only does this have an instantly calming effect, but this technique can also, over time, reduce these thoughts, and help you replace them with positive ones! I encourage you to adopt a journaling practice that is helpful and not intrusive. You do not want it to be just another thing you have to do because then you will start to dread using it. Journal in a way that is authentic to you. If you like prompts find some, if you want to free write do that. It is your tool, no one is taking it up for a grade!
While these techniques are not all inclusive with a little practice they have been proven to work. I also know sometimes it can be so much more difficult to manage alone. I will ALWAYS say SEEK HELP when you need it. Read more on managing mental health challenges and creating a more fulfilling life for yourself over at our blog.
5 Ways to Combat Depression
In the last decade, the rates of depression have drastically accelerated. It is not surprising though. Just consider the dumpster fire that was 2020. A whole pandemic, continued murders of unarmed Black people, riots, masks, quarantine, and the attacks of the Karens. Are we really surprised? Some studies note one in five individuals in America is suffering from depression.
Despite popular belief depression is a combination of symptoms and not just a person crying in bed all day. Depression is a pervasive condition that often drains out all the energy leaving behind a hopeless individual. Symptoms of depression include but are not limited to anger, irritability, sad mood, lack of interest in things, trouble sleeping, and disturbance in appetite.
So what do we do about it? Taking the first step towards healing is usually the hardest, and there is no quick fix for one size fits all to avoid depression. However here are 5 things you can do to help combat depression.
1. Stop living in the past.- When you relive what you wish would have been different or live in a place of what you should have done it makes you sad and forces you to be overly critical of your next move. Try to focus on the present. It is usually ok in the present. Regrets only rob your mental peace.
2. Let the future be the future.- When you are overly concerned with the future it causes you stress. Listen, you cannot predict or change the future, have you been paying attention? Remember when the world closed in March 2020 and we thought the pandemic would be over in the summer because the heat would kill the virus? We have no control over the future. Again, focus on the present. It is ok here.
3. Celebrate what you are doing right.- The thing is when we are looking at the world from a lens of sadness and depression we only see faults. There is something you do right DAILY find it and celebrate it. Depression will cloud your judgement, don't let it.
4. Change your diet.- I know super cliche and I struggle with this one myself but research says there is a link with what we eat and how we feel. I suggest more fruits and vegetables. I don't expect you to do a whole overhaul but just add a smoothie and/or a green vegetable a day and see what happens.
5. Move your body.- Exercise releases endorphins, a hormone that helps in relieving stress and anxiety. Getting adequate physical activity, preferably adding it to the morning routine, can bring calmness for the rest of the day.
In my opinion nothing takes the place of seeking professional help but also understand there are barriers to treatment. Remember nothing changes if nothing changes. You have to decide you want to try to heal and feel better. Do not overwhelm yourself with this list. It is not exhaustive, it is just meant to get you started.