What I learned sitting on the Porch

Recently I was sitting on the balcony with my son (1 year old) just sitting and looking. He enjoys outside, me not so much so the balcony is our happy medium. Note I was more than happy to oblige if it meant no melt down. Then it started to rain. We live on the second floor so we were able to keep sitting and not get wet. Suddenly the wind started to blow and it was doing the lean rain. You know the side ways rain that an umbrella really would not help you with.

It was about this time he decided he wanted to get down and touch the rail. He got down from our gliding bench and went toward the rail wind blowing, trees rocking, rain and all. While it was only two maybe three baby steps, for him I am sure it was huge. But right before he went on his mission he looked back at me. He wanted to know if I approved or not.

In that moment I was reminded of myself and the women I help. The women who have dreams and just need someone to assure them they can do it. You know small gesture with a huge payoff. We are so busy looking back for reassurance or approval we often times miss out on our calling. Think back to when bills were NOT a thing and you had big dreams. Are you living out those dreams?

Then I started to wonder how many times have I wanted to do something, was sure it was a great move, but did not do it because when I looked back there was no approval. Have you done this? How many times did you think of applying to that graduate program, having another child, starting a business, even selling wraps or Mary Kay? Did you follow through on your first thought or were you like so many of us who glanced back for approval, and when it was not there we froze?

I know a lack of support is hard, but what have you allowed this perceived need for support to cost you? Where could you be if you had just followed your heart and not looked back for approval? Or kept going despite the lack of approval?  I am sure over the years this type of thinking has cost me several things. For the sake of examples, I will just tell you it almost cost me my marriage. Good thing I believe in self-development and abandoned this mindset just in time to make it down the aisle.

Sadly enough there were people who, based on societal definitions, should have been ecstatic for me when I decided to get married and they were not. I was looking back in the beginning of my engagement and the one face I did not see amongst the support started to make me question things. I will just tell you I am happily married and glad I stopped looking for a cheerleader and became my own.

Which is what I encourage you to do. If it is your vision go after it. It does not matter who does not believe, understand or support your vision. Think about it like this, it is YOUR vision so how would someone else even begin to understand it?

Instead of looking for supporters we have to learn to have faith. Whatever faith looks like for you, God, Allah, Brother Rock, Buddah whomever you believe in that is greater than you. If They are calling you to something it doesn’t matter who is in your corner.

When you start to work in your purpose you will find the right people will enter your life at the right time. For my wedding I was able to support, and receive support from a woman I have known since high school. As a wife, I have connected with women who previously we would not have talked, and even in business I have been blessed with a phenomenal mastermind group. All of these women entered my life in due time so while I love me Drake, I am not a fan of no new friends.

Side note I gave my son the approval he needed. I wanted him to know he could venture out and I would support him. I did not want him to touch the rail, it was wet. But I wanted him to know some adventure is good and mommy will always support him, even if I disagree.

So let me encourage you whatever your dream is chase it down like your life depends on it. In some cases, it does. Are you truly going to be happy at that 9-5? Will you ever find happiness in that relationship you know deep down is going nowhere? You have the power to create your own happiness if you chose to.

The Hope of the Slave: Be Empowered by #Roots

I was all set to write a post about Tommy from Love and Hip Hop openly admitting to sexual acts with her “boyfriend’s” uncle Stevie J for a record … then I started watching Roots.

Yes, I watched it as a child, and again haphazardly as an adult when my niece wanted to watch it. I even own the mini series on DVD. However intentionally sitting down to watch this show that depicts a violent, torturous time in the history of my ancestors was a whole different feeling.

This is not a race piece (although it could be and who the hell would check me if it was) but and empowerment piece. To risk sounding cliché we are the descendants of survivors and we are so much more than we have become as a whole.

To be forcibly removed from your home, taken on the worse cruise of your life in the bottom of a ship in chains, and SURVIVE is more than any of us today can truly understand. To be ripped from your heritage, forced to forget your language, and savagely beat because you want to keep your name is something we are blessed to not have to deal with. To be conditioned to do the work of your slave owners, and I do not mean simply picking cotton. I mean being an over seer, or slave breaker this is a mental torture I cannot even begin to imagine.

Being able to choose romantic love and it have nothing to do with producing a new worker is a luxury the slaves were not afforded. The ability to love your mate, live together, and not be worried about being sold away is a nicety they knew nothing about. Yet here we are with all these options, choices, and side chicks when they prayed to not be sold away from the person they loved.

 To be honest we are spoiled. We have come so far and yet have even further to go. When the slaves banded together to try to take the ship I was super inspired. Not to start a war, but simply to empower my own. What would happen if before you went to Claire’s you shopped a small black owned business? So maybe they do not have what you are looking for but at least you looked their first. The tea is they will have what you are looking for but you have to look. We must start to empower one another and let go of the slave mentality of scarcity. Seeing another person win does not mean you lose. We are no longer fighting for the “good scraps” from Master’s table and there is enough to go around.

As we decide between Android and I Phone they decided between life and death. To help their fellow slave because he was being treated so harshly or simply watch because they did not want to be next. They had to decide to run and risk capture, and have their foot chopped, or stay and be treated worse than an animal.

We are able to walk around in the smallest shorts ever made, and then get mad when men look too long. When the slaves were poked, grouped, prodded, touched and checked like cattle.  Watching him attempt to check Kunta’s rear end and then cupping his genitals and forcing him to cough was very difficult to watch. He practically molested him all because he had become a piece of pending property.

I said all this to say, when you go to your 9-5 that you hate know you have the option to walk away. Sure you have bills and you may not like your choices but you have choices so be grateful. When you feel like your back is against the wall, it is not. Move away from the wall and try something different. We make hard choices sometimes but remember the slaves had NO CHOICES.

Wake up knowing we come from a place of strength so whatever you are going through SURVIVE IT. If he is cheating on you and making you feel bad leave. You don’t want to major in science and prefer to major in dance, DO IT.  Want to start a business, lose 30 pounds, start a blog, open your t-shirt store… DO IT. We are fortunate enough to be in a time where we can pursue our dreams and not be beat. We can choose any religion, change our name, marry the same sex, pretty much nothing is off limits anymore. So whatever it is you want to do, GO FOR IT.

Slaves were forced into their misery where their only other option was death, and still they made due. A lot of times we chose our misery and just complain. Be grateful for choices and options no matter how bad it seems. So what will you choose to do today?

Scandal and Football- the art of Communication

Before you decide what this post is all about keep reading! I truly believe a lot of the problems we face in the world at large, but more importantly in relationships centers around communication. We think we know how to do it but we really do not. We hear things and take our own interpretation of what was said, and often the message is unclear to begin with.

Communication is more than talking; it is the foundation to a healthy relationship. We use communication to share feelings, needs, expectations, ideas, schedules, and create intimacy. Something that important we should make sure we do it well, right? There are so many different aspects to communication but for today I want to talk about timing.

It seems obvious, but one of the main components to communication is timing. Imagine you had a rough day at work, argued with your boss, traffic was awful, you enter the home and trip on a toy and before you put your purse down your man is asking you about bills. Wrong time huh?

Timing can change a simple exchange into a full on argument depending on the circumstances. I can remember when my husband and I were dating and I worked late on Wednesday nights. It seemed issues always happened on Wednesday morning’s drive to work. Now I knew what lie ahead at work (3-4 intakes, 4 groups, and as many individual sessions as possible all crammed in) and it pissed me off he even wanted to talk about anything serious on a Wednesday morning. So as soon as he started talking I heard nothing, felt frustrated and attacked, and it would go down hill. It was awful. However, once I explained to him how my Wednesday would go at work and why I did not want to have emotionally charged discussions on the way to a monster day he understood, and changes were made. We still had issues, or things that needed to be discussed just not on Wednesday morning, problem solved right?

Wanting to discuss your feelings, the finances or the state of your relationship is a great thing. What makes this bad is when you do it at the wrong time. For example, on Sunday during the football game. I promise you the thoughts and feelings you are having did not start when kick off happened, or in the end of the 4th quarter and his team is down by two. You were probably feeling some type of way a few days ago.

Now before you get mad and tell me how much more important your feelings are than a game consider this. When you are watching Scandal, Empire, or whatever show you truly enjoy do you want to talk about something serious? No you want to know what is going to happen with Fitz and Olivia, and how the roles are going to change now that Luscious has been dethroned. No football nor Scandal or any other show is more important than your relationship but geesh, you could not have had this conversation last night?  

Wanting to have a serious discussion while either of you is preoccupied is not ideal for several reasons.

1. One person is not fully invested in the conversation. - So I am the only one who has simply agreed to whatever just to get back to what I am doing?
2. One person is already irritated before the conversation starts. The person who was interrupted is entering into what may be a difficult conversation already on edge, and this may make a hard conversation even harder.
3. When a person is defensive or irritable they are more likely to misinterpret the information they are receiving.

So yes communication is great! Talking and listening are crucial parts to communication but so is timing. Your relationship is too important to argue over a misunderstanding because something was misconstrued while the other was watching Scandal or Football.

Want to learn more about communication? Sign up for my FREE email course below. In this course I will discuss non-verbal communication, the three types of communication, and listening skills. Hope you will join me.

3 Ways to Feel Sexy No Matter What

When it is time to “get sexy” most people think of the normal lingerie and heels. I think sexy starts with a mindset. You can be a size 0 and if you are not happy with this no pair of heels or thong will make this better. On the flip side you can be a 20 and if you are confident you can rock a teddy with some heels with no worries.

Sometimes when we look in the mirror we are just unhappy with what we see. Maybe we have had children, gone through a depression, or just never put our health and bodies on the priority list. This shouldn’t and doesn’t mean we are not sexy. Sure we may not look like the women on the magazine covers, but neither do they without their glam and photo editing teams.

You are not the only person who feels some type of way about their size, in fact most people do. Skinny people want to be “thick” and thicker people want to be small. This is the reason the health/ fitness/ nutrition business is a billion-dollar business. I mean really, who has not heard of Jenny Craig, CleanEats 2 U, Weight watchers, and Beachbody. How many weight loss shows are there now? We have all cried and watched Biggest Loser for one season or another. I liked Shaun T’s show as it had a nutrition element to it, and I am currently hooked on Fit to Fat to Fit. There are also meal plans, pills, and protein shakes for people trying to gain weight. Most people want to change their bodies in one way or another.

This is why I believe sexy starts with your mind first.  Sexy, for me, has less to do with appearance and more to do with an attitude. Do you remember Ticorra from America’s Next Time model? She was in a room full of skinny chicks on a model show. The world we live in says skinny equals beautiful and honestly I only remember her from her season. She had such swag, and extreme confidence that made her stand out, and be sexy. Her presence and aurora made you want to look at her.

Are you going to wait until you can wear a medium shirt to decide you are sexy? It usually does not work like that. When people lose weight they still struggle with their body image. They continue to buy large shirts when they can now fit a small. No matter your size confidence and the color black will go a long way. You have to know you are more than the number on the scale or the roll you are trying desperately to hide with your bra. Tell yourself you are sexy until you believe it.

Long term, if you are unhappy with your weight or size only you can change this. You have control of how often you move and what you place in your mouth. Changing your body will include exercise and proper eating, the end. I could go on and on about this but that is not why you came to my page, so I will not bore you with those details. If you need help with nutrition go here.

In the meantime, here are a few things you can do to help you feel sexy now:

Know and trust the person you are with is with you. Meaning they genuinely love you no matter your size. Sure everyone has a type but eventually love replaces the proverbial type. There is a plethora of happily married couples who will tell you they didn’t marry their type. This does not mean let yourself go, and we all know when we have tipped the scale, or pants size too far you don’t need your spouse to tell you that.

Accentuate the positive. If your man likes your boobs, get something that has the girls sitting up as if they are on a platter ready to be served, and maybe flows out around your mid-section. If your husband is like mine and is more into big derrieres dress accordingly. Every woman has something great about her body it is just drawing the attention to that feature. If it is your legs wear some killer heels that make them look even better.

Pre game before the main event. Don’t know how to pregame? Well remember before an event, party, or outing, you and your friends would meet at the designated friend’s house for drinks and fun prior to the main event, that is the pre -game. Now this will look different for everyone so do what makes you feel good.

 For me it is shaving, showering, and of course sipping. I primp, dance, and do things that make me feel better about me. How do you feel when your legs are freshly shaven and you put your favorite oil on them? For me it is an immediate self-esteem boost, and it makes me feel super feminine. I sip some wine Hennessey on ice and listen to music.

Music is key for me here. The right song can get me in the right mood. So play your theme song. I have a few… Chris Brown- Back to sleep, Urban Mystic- Best Part of my Day, Ro James- Permission, oh and Beyonce- Rocket (this song starts with “let me put this ass on you” how could you not feel sexy). Need more music inspiration, check out my love making play list here. The wine Hennessey,  getting pretty and the music just makes me feel ready to rock his world.

Try it! 

Let's talk about SEX- and a Challenge!

You know what I think is so funny? Someone once said to me everyone but married people are having sex. I must admit I did LOL. I remember thinking wait, why is that? You are living with a man/woman and not having sex how is this even possible. Society tells us men and women cannot be platonic friends so how are married people not having sex?

 My then unmarried brain could not understand how this was happening. You get married and have lots of sex right? I also remember thinking I will never be that wife, you know the one who is not giving it up to her husband consistently (remember we should never judge others until we are in their situation). In my mind you have a live in sex partner. Why not do it as much as possible. Well, life.

No one tells you how much things change when you stop dating and you start being married. All the sexy stuff was that was happening when you were dating slows down when you are married. I will give you one realistic explanation as to why. Dates are just that, dates. They are planned activities so the two of you can spend some time. With marriage you are always there together and can easily fall into a pattern and routine of chores, bills, to do lists, and it can get un-cute real quick IF YOU LET IT.

Why does the sexy leave? Because we get comfortable and we stop trying. Think about it the first time you two spent the night together you probably didn’t even tie your hair up because, let us be real the scarf, doo-rag and the bonnet is not really sexy. So when dating you were able to plan for your hair to be messed up or just know you would have to sleep pretty depending on your hair. When you are married you are wrapping that hair every night lol. Sidenote it kills me some men are against your hair being tied at night, but then want it Beyonce flawless in the morning… jerks. I’m super blessed my husband doesn’t mind.

Now back to the point, sex or lack thereof for married people. Keeping it all the way real we get bogged down in the day to day. We become robots checking things off our never ending to do list. So put sex on the list, which is a great idea and some of my clients have had luck with this but others of them not so much. We get tired but the kids never do. We get overwhelmed and exhausted and sex becomes the thing on the list we neglect, especially when we are waiting until the kids go to bed (which in my house they never do, especially when they know mom and dad want some alone time.)

I could go on and on with reasons why it is not happening but here are a few reasons it should happen:

It makes for a smoother day. I don’t know about you all but when my husband has done his thing the night before nothing can bring me down from the high I am on. It doesn’t matter if my 11-year-old cannot find her shoe even when I asked her to find it the night before, or if I have to chase the 1-year-old to get him dressed. In my mind it is all good.

Sex makes your husband happy. Being a wife is all about pleasing and helping him so you gotta give it up. I know that sounds super 1950’s but it is true, and the divorce rate was lower back then so maybe those wives were onto something. Besides if you put it on him all the options, better known as side chicks, do not stand a chance! His appetite will have been satisfied at home.

Sex burns calories! Every woman no matter her size, eating or exercising patterns, is in some way concerned about calories. This is a free calorie burner. Along with burning pesky calories sex is also a great stress reliever. Sometimes you just need to knock the edge off, and if you do not drink alcoholic beverages sex will do the trick. Think about it, sex has so many benefits (aside from the obvious) there really is no reason to not have sex.

Now the challenge…One day while during my commute to work I thought what if we did it every day for 30 days. I remember listening to a marriage podcast by ONE extraordinary marriage and they spoke of a 60 day challenge. They detailed their troubles and their success and I thought I want to try that. I have a 16 month old that never sleeps, and PCOS so 60 days seemed like too much for me. I believe in being realistic with my goals so I thought 30 days would be good, and challenging. Again I like to be realistic so I decided to aim for 15 days straight, and hopefully build from there. I brought it up to hubby and as you can imagine he did not need any convincing.

What I didn’t want was for this to become yet another task on the proverbial to do list or for it to feel like a chore so I added prompts to keep it fun. I challenge you to join me for the next 15 days and watch what happens in your marriage. See if your husband can keep up with you.

1. Wife initiated

2. Start with a hand job

3. Use a sex toy (you have one don’t play)

4. Get saucey- Whip cream or some type drizzle (chocolate, caramel)- my husband makes a fantastic chocolate mousse whew!!!

5. Try a new position (done them all? This day do NOT do your favorite)

Remember when I said my original thought was 30 days? Well I have 25 more prompts I am only sending to my email friends. I know the challenge is only 15 days but I am an over achiever and wanted to give my email friends a really good list they can mix up if they like. Wait, you are not an email friend, I’m not sure what you are waiting for they get all the extra goodies. Sign up here if you like.

I of course recommend doing the complete 15 days but I understand things happen; Mother Nature visits, kids get sick and don’t sleep, or you over estimate yourselves and are worn out by day 5. You do not have to do anything special to join the challenge. I do ask that you send me an email or leave me a comment letting me know you decided to take the challenge. This way I can find you on social media check in and keep you accountable. Also you can connect with me on social media using the handle @mrstoyacarter for IG as well as for Twitter, you can find me on Facebook too. Be sure to use the hashtag #sexdare15 so I can find you. Happy loving!!!