self improvement

5 Ways to Practice Radical Acceptance

radical acceptance
 

I was in a session last week and my client said “I already know you are going to say, I need to practice radical acceptance.” Before I could respond I just had to smile.  I smiled because she was right. I love me some radical acceptance. While the basic premise of radical acceptance is “it is what it is” it has allowed me to increase the joy I have in my life and I can’t help but encourage my clients to try it.

So what is radical acceptance? Radical Acceptance is one of the tenets of Dialectal Behavioral Therapy (DBT) created by Psychologist Marsha Lineham. Radical acceptance is accepting the situation as it is for the facts, and removing the emotion. It is a conscious decision to accept things outside of your control without judgment. When done correctly this concept will help you not allow the pain of life to become suffering. Pain is temporary and suffering is longer lasting. The ultimate goal of radical acceptance is progression and growth rather than stagnation and clinging to the past. Heavy disclaimer radical acceptance should not be utilized is in the case of abusive relationships, or dangerous or life-threatening situations.

Recognizing that things are outside of our control can help alleviate a lot of anger, sadness, and other strong emotion. This does not mean you agree with what is happening. It simply means that you are no longer fighting against the reality of what is. Some people struggle to accept situations because they believe that accepting means agreeing with what happened or saying that everything is fine and no that is not true. Blaming yourself or others, or wishing things could be different, will keep you trapped in a bad situation. Some people are unwilling to accept the pain that comes with acceptance. But remember pain is temporary.

The facts of a situation rarely change so fighting against it does not serve you. I get it though it is so much easier said than done. Is here are 5 ways to help you practice radical acceptance.

  1. Acknowledge - Acceptance does not condone or agree with the situation, but rather acknowledges its existence. Instead of remaining in denial, once you recognize what's going on, you'll be better able to take action to change the situation. Acceptance frees you by allowing you to see more options.

  2. Examine and Look for an alternative – Look at everything that has occurred up to this point. The current scenario is unavoidable given the preceding chain of events. Some of these events were caused by your actions, while others were not. You had a role to play even if you weren't in command. Now how can you see the situation differently? Is there a silver lining? Is there a lesson to be learned from this occurrence?

  3. Stop Judging yourself - Negative self- and other-judgment is a significant drain on our ability to be focused and present. Stop criticizing and condemning yourself for the situation you have found yourself in and work to be and do better. The energy it takes to be negative could be used to change or improve the situation. Judgment really just results in more emotional turmoil.

  4. Consider - Life is still worth living even when there is pain. Pain is not always bad, sometimes it is needed for our growth. Pain causes a change that peace often does not.

  5. Change- Are you stuck or just stuck in the thought cycle? Change the situation that is causing you stress if you can. Remove yourself, leave the relationship or the job or whatever it is. After that you have to accept this is where you are at least for now. Consider what are you willing to do to no longer suffer.

Radical acceptance is not something that can be achieved in a single moment. It is a conscious and continued effort and a willingness to think differently. Accept that there are things you can't change and keep moving forward. Some people have fought this idea for a long time because they want control, even though it isn't always possible. Think about what is troubling you now… think real hard… what in that situation is in your control? Probably not much. That is fine accept what it is and then work on what will be next. You have the ability to do this it will just take some time and intention.

It really is ok to Level Up!

ciara and russell

So a comment was made by a celebrity (Ciara this week), and folks are all up in arms. I am not 100% sure what the fuss is about. From what I have read she simply expressed her truth. She noted after she leveled up, started to look to God more, and really love herself the right man came along. This is her experience and who are we to take that from her. Before you all start the eye-rolling keep reading... I think the issue is because she said  “level up” and get the love you deserve. People seem to be super in their feelings because of the words level up. Even one of my friends said she took the comment as if you are single you have no standards. So it got me thinking…

Why are we so consumed with every thought a celebrity has? Sure they are in the light and people look to them and they decided to be in the spotlight but we are all responsible for our own actions. Just because she believes in leveling up you don’t have to.They are human just like the rest of us, and if your homegirl disagreed with you would you drag her like some do celebrities? Just my thoughts…

Let’s talk about leveling up. If I am correct it means to get your shit together in all areas of your life. This will look different for everyone. Some will lose weight, start their business, get a deeper relationship with God, carry crystals with you, start reading more books, whatever it is we all can agree it is an improvement on your life. So don’t you want to level up? Or is complacency the new in thing? When we apply for jobs we never say ok I'm entry level and I am good with this for life. I have arrived. No, we get in to learn the ropes and start looking for a raise, promotion, or the next job.

I read some comments saying she is using her marriage as a tool or weapon and I was again confused. #Howsway All she was saying, or how I interpreted it was once you focus on you, and get clear about what you want you can attract it. After you get so into you and realize what it is you actually want you will be able to waste less time with men who mean you no good. I know for me I wasted time and dated losers because I was dating to be dating at one time in my life. I didn’t really know what I wanted so I ended up not getting much of anything if you catch my drift. We can all agree like attracts like so why not improve yourself. The new and improved you will undoubtedly attract more than a man. You will get the bougie girlfriends you wished you had, the promotion you have been dreaming about, or even attract the client to your business because you have now become an improved version of our self. What is wrong with that?

Let me tell you a story… When I met my husband I was a single mom of one, working as a therapist (my previous dream job). I lived on my own and was doing my thing. Admittedly I was more together on paper than I was internally but I was actively working on it. So I guess at the time I met him I was like mid glow up lol (although I am sure that was not the term those years ago). The point is I was in a good place, and working daily to be better. THAT IS WHAT ATTRACTED THE MAN TO ME. For us, regular degular folks life ain't always peaches and cream. So what married minded man wants to marry a girl he has t fix up or who is bringing nothing to the table, not even a plate? Because if the shoe was on the other foot while women are more likely to go for the fixer-upper we are not setting out looking for him. We want a man with his ish together. We want the security that comes with a stable man.

I got off topic...Prior to my self-proclaimed glow up I was attracting broken men, with no jobs, mommy issues, emotional abusers, egos bigger than the Beyonce song, and all other foolery. I was attracting them because I was broken. I was vibrating so low that is what I picked up.  Did I need to level up? Hell yes! Is that the sole reason I got married? Nope, but it damn sure helped. I was happy and whole when I got married. I was not looking for anyone to love me because I loved and still love me. In fact, I was happy to just be me with my child. I had spent so much time dating idiots I decided to date me, and the moment I became ok with me things changed. I walked away from my job (I went back, but with a raise lol making just under what a LCSW makes without a license and in case you are not a counselor and not familiar with non-profits that's a big damn deal!). Nope, life has not been perfect but it has steadily been getting better. I have setbacks but I come out ahead because I glowed up.

So no this is not me using my life as a weapon or shaming tool. This is me telling you if I can do it, the girl who was pregnant at 19 by the way ole boy the sperm donor straight walked away you can too!!!!! I have been through so much and we all have a story to tell but unless you level up in some way your story is going to stay the same and we both know you don’t want that. Leveling up is not all about a man because some of my smartest most successful girlfriends don’t even see marriage as an accomplishment. However to live a life you love whether working a 9-5, being a housewife, having a side hustle, walking the red carpet, whatever it is will require you to level up. How will you level up today?